Why there is a feeling of loneliness in marriage and how to deal with it

A cozy home, common dreams and mutual support - all this is associated with an ideal marriage. However, even in the strongest unions, hidden deep in the hearts of the spouses, shadows of loneliness can hide. INC-News.ru correspondents spoke with experts on the topic of loneliness in the family.

What is marriage?

From a legal point of view, marriage is a voluntary, equal, monogamous, perpetual union of a man and a woman, registered with the registry office in compliance with the requirements of family law, giving rise to mutual personal non-property and property rights and obligations for spouses with the aim of creating a family. “This means that coercion into marriage is unacceptable; spouses have equal rights regardless of gender, age, nationality, religion, etc.; Only one man and one woman can be married (moreover, until the marriage is dissolved, it is unacceptable to enter into a new one or enter into a subsequent marriage); A marriage is concluded without specifying the duration of its validity, it is assumed that it is for life. But the overwhelming number of marriage issues are regulated not so much by legal norms as by moral norms,” notes Natalya Matveeva, Candidate of Legal Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Legal Regulation of Economic Activities of the Faculty of Law of the Financial University under the Government of the Russian Federation, teacher of Family and Civil Law.

But at the same time Matveeva N.A. notes that “from the point of view of value approaches and guidelines formed in society, the basis of marriage is love, mutual feelings, which at one time told a man and a woman that it was impossible to live without each other, which gave rise to the fear of losing their half.” But, besides this, for a harmonious relationship, spouses should also have hobbies that, in difficult times, will help them switch from reality and “recharge their batteries.” Otherwise, a feeling of loneliness will gradually arise in the family and ultimately everything can lead to “relationship burnout.”

What is loneliness in marriage?

“Loneliness in marriage is a complex issue that requires the attention and effort of both parties. However, awareness of the reasons for this feeling and active actions to overcome it can lead to improved relations between spouses and the creation of a more harmonious and happy marriage,” emphasizes psychologist Ilya Asratyan, noting that many factors, from routine to various, contribute to the formation of this state values.

Reasons for feeling lonely in the family

The family is traditionally perceived as the foundation of society, a place where every person can find support, understanding and love. However, it is not uncommon for people to experience an acute feeling of loneliness, even among loved ones. Neuropsychologist, neuroliner Marina Vinberg identifies the following reasons that lead to feelings of loneliness in marriage:

1. Lack of communication. Often in the modern world we are busy with our work, social networks or personal interests. As a result, we may not have enough time to connect deeply and authentically with family members, leading to feelings of isolation even when others are present.
2. Misunderstanding. Sometimes family members may not share your values, interests, or priorities in life, which creates a barrier and alienation.
3. Lack of emotional connection. The physical presence of other people does not guarantee the emotional closeness that is so necessary to feel connected.
4. Conflicts and misunderstandings. Disagreements and arguments can increase feelings of loneliness if no one seems to be on your side.
5. Change of life stages. Having children, moving, or changing jobs can all change the dynamics of a relationship and cause feelings of loneliness.

Master of social and political psychology, existential psychotherapist Natalie Polenova identifies slightly different reasons that lead to thoughts of disappointment with oneself, partner and/or family life:

1. The couple is at a stage when the level of attachment hormone decreases.
2. There are misconceptions about love and happiness in a couple. For example, that you should always enjoy a relationship. Or, for example, that a partner is a cure for suffering. Not receiving the same impressions from joint activities, a person begins to get bored and look for ways to experience joy, and as a result he faces disappointment, which alienates him, because the other person cannot be a life jacket for a long time.
3. The circle of interests and communication has narrowed and become fixated on the partner.
4. In relationships, the needs and emotions of partners are ignored, communication is disrupted.
5. The couple is idealized and there is an opinion that the partner must understand everything without words and must behave in a certain way.

How to deal with feelings of loneliness in marriage?

Along with the feeling of loneliness comes the worry that the dialogue will go wrong and end up getting worse. However, getting closer requires courage and openness to your partner's feelings.

“The feeling of loneliness within a family is a serious problem that requires conscious efforts by all its participants to solve it. It's important to remember that you are not alone; there are always ways to return warmth and understanding to the home,” says Marina Vinberg.

“You need to try to talk, articulate your emotions and needs and strive to understand the needs of your partner, be able to find benevolent intentions in your partner’s behavior, be able to show your understanding of another point of view, remember that you love each other. This will help the couple restore trust and participation, which are so important to stop feeling lonely,” notes existential psychotherapist Natalie Polenova and provides the following tips on how to overcome this feeling:

1. Understand that relationships change over time and difficulties and crises cannot be avoided, as well as disappointments, because no one is able to fully meet expectations and there are no things that are not subject to time;
2. Analyze what is a sign of an indifferent attitude for you and whether these signs are really observed in your partner’s behavior?
3. Analyze what helps you feel unity with your partner, how should these feelings manifest themselves? Which of these signs are present in the partner’s behavior? What else can help you feel close?
4. Talk to your partner about the feeling of loneliness, describe how it feels, and then share what in your partner’s behavior helps you feel warm emotional contact and offer ideas about what you can bring into the relationship to renew the connection.

In addition, psychologist Asratyan I.S. notes that along with the above aspects in overcoming loneliness in marriage are: restoring emotional connections and strengthening intimacy between spouses is maintaining intimate relationships, “physical contact, exchange of affection and care help create an atmosphere of mutual respect and attractiveness.”

It is important to remember that only through the joint efforts of spouses can you create strong and long-term relationships that will be an inexhaustible source of happiness throughout your life.