Problem child: how to negotiate with a rebellious teenager and not go crazy

Just yesterday your baby was an angel: obedient, kind and affectionate. And today you have turned into an imp who constantly tests the strength of the nerves of all family members? A familiar picture to many parents. Moms grab their heads, dads grab their belts. How to find a common language with a teenager and help him during this difficult period of formation of a new personality? We talked about this and much more with Olga Kamyshinskaya, a psychologist, psychogenetics and family relations consultant.

Olga, what is adolescence from a psychological point of view? When does it start and end?

Adolescence occurs when the physical development of the reproductive system begins. The child’s smell and skin quality change, acne may appear, more body hair appears, and boys’ voices also break. On average, this happens by the age of 12, but now children are growing up earlier, sometimes adolescence begins as early as 9 years. From a psychological point of view, separation from parents occurs. They are forming their own opinions, teenagers begin to be rude, argue and do everything their own way. This is absolutely normal. The task of parents is to be prepared for this and not to break their child’s independence, so that he learns to defend his opinion, make decisions and make the right choice in any life situation. During this period, it is important not to spoil the relationship with the child, not to quarrel with him to smithereens. After all, this could affect his entire future life.
Adolescence ends closer to adulthood, when neural connections are formed in a person’s brain, and he can give an objective assessment of his actions.

Why exactly during this period does a person begin to rebel against everything: society, family, value system?

Teenagers have two types of behavior: I'm like everyone else, and I'm not like everyone else. Either a person joins a group of other people (for example, a passion for some kind of sport or subcultural movement, like emo), or he tries to stand out, creates some of his own concepts, or simply goes against the system, a kind of rebel. Both types of behavior at this age are the norm. Some people still want to get piercings, dye their hair vibrant colors, and practice erotic dancing. It's all a hormonal riot when there is an interest in sex. And if parents treat this with understanding and stop seeing their growing child as a small child, then they can establish a trusting relationship with him.

For some people, the transition period is smooth. What does this depend on? And is it true that teenage rebellion may manifest itself in the future?

Yes, if a person did not experience teenage rebellion and separation from parents, then this can happen later. Nowadays, many adults do not have a good relationship with their mother and father. These 40-year-old kids still make claims to their parents and have difficulty separating from them. Why? Therefore, this generation was raised in complete obedience. And these people can then rebel all their lives and avoid their parents in order to avoid uncomfortable questions. If a teenager constantly hears from his mother or father comparisons with other people that are not in his favor, he simply will not want to return home.

When a child is not accepted for who he is, he feels unwanted. And it's actually very painful. Therefore, we should not look up to our parents; it was a completely different time then. Educational processes are constantly changing, evolving, and we are gaining new knowledge in this area. I like that the word “education” means “nutrition.” That is, parents must nourish this axis, give the child not only care for the physical body, but also fill him with knowledge that will help him in the future. It is important not to shift responsibility for the child to others, teachers or relatives, but to take it upon yourself and help him during this difficult period to accept all the changes that happen to him.

What exactly needs to be done? And how to have a conversation with a rebellious teenager?

The first is information training for the parents themselves. In an acute period, when a teenager begins to try everything at once (sex, drugs, rock and roll), it is imperative to monitor his contacts. It is important to know who he is communicating with. At this age, children usually shield each other, take each other weakly, and this can lead to the most serious consequences. The child may not be able to fight back. You can convey information to him through magazines or books. For example, just put it in a visible place. It is worth talking about sex and contraception so that boys and girls understand how this can end for them. Their body has already grown, but their brain has not yet. Therefore, a parent should not avoid this topic.

At this age, it becomes especially important for a child how he looks. He becomes very vulnerable. Therefore, it is important for parents to help him solve problems, for example, with excessive sweating or skin problems. Support him as much as possible, but do not patronize him too much. Try to build contractual relationships and ensure that the child complies with them. Explain to him that every action has a consequence. This way he will understand that in case of violation there will be punishment. Just don’t take away a teenager’s phone, because it is his main source of social life. You need to control, but not go too far. Give him a certain limit that he can spend on the phone, for example, per day or per week.

But what if the child does not want to listen to you and is simply rude in response?

He is no longer too small to obey you, so you need to learn to trust, check and gently control. Yes, this is the most difficult period for all family members. But for a teenager it is much more difficult because the body undergoes huge changes. Hormonal fluctuations and growth spurts also have a big impact. Because of this, he is uncomfortable in his own body, he cannot control it.

If a child is rude, you can explain to him that he cannot communicate with you like that. But you shouldn’t shout back: oh, you are so and so, what do you allow yourself to do? Speak calmly: I don’t like this, I won’t allow you to talk to me like that. I am your parent and I ask you to respect yourself because I respect you. It is important for the child to say that you, as a parent, are responsible for him until he becomes an adult, so he needs to negotiate with you.

What to do if a teenager gets into all kinds of bad things: alcohol, smoking, bad company, and the like?

Behind this behavior lies the desire to be an adult. There is nothing wrong with wanting to smoke. Let him make up his mind about this. But if he does this only for company, that is, he joins another consciousness, then this is worse. He may fall into addictive behavior. It is important for parents to understand that this is a school of life. Better this than being an outcast. When a child becomes part of a group, he goes through certain evolutionary processes of growing up.

But this does not apply to any illegal actions, including the use of prohibited substances. In this case, it is imperative to take action. Don't waste time consulting with other parents. If you suspect something is wrong, call the helpline for teenagers and their parents.

What would you advise parents: how can they take care of themselves and not go crazy if they are not yet able to establish a relationship with a difficult child?

The most important thing is patience. Remember yourself at that age, how much you wanted to be liked and look good. This period of life is remembered forever. And here the support of parents is extremely important. Nurture the best qualities in your child. Praise him for what he does as an adult. This is the only time when a person wants to grow up as quickly as possible. You can teach him to be responsible about finances and to properly distribute his pocket money. Have conversations with him as equals about plans for life, about choosing a profession.

Remember that the force of action is equal to the force of reaction. The more you put pressure on your child, the more he will resist you. Reduce the psychological pressure and remove excessive claims, then he will listen to you more. Give him freedom to express himself: in clothes, hairstyle, in the choice of music.
Using these tactics when communicating with people, not just teenagers, will make your life much easier. Thanks to this, it will be easier for you to find a common language with your partner, achieve mutual understanding and build real, trusting relationships.