Why are we afraid to start a family?

In the modern world, many people face various psychological barriers on the way to starting a family. In an interview for Inc-News, experts shared their opinions on the most common obstacles and suggested ways to overcome them.

Psychological barriers that prevent people from starting a family

According to Marina Chernikova, a psychologist and director of the ANO "Health Culture", there are several main psychological barriers that can prevent people from starting a family:

1. Fear of responsibility. For many people, the prospect of family life is associated with large financial, emotional and time costs. Chernikova notes:

"They are afraid that they will not be able to cope with these obligations or that their lives will change for the worse."

2. Fear of loss of freedom. Some people are afraid that family responsibilities may limit their personal freedom and independence:

"Starting a family is often associated with a loss of personal freedom and independence. Some people fear that family obligations will limit their ability to do what they love, travel, or build a career," the expert explains.

3. Negative experience in past relationships. Disappointment and pain from previous unsuccessful relationships can cause mistrust of potential partners and fear of repeating negative experiences:

"People who have had negative experiences in previous relationships may have difficulty creating a new family. Disappointment, pain and resentment can lead to a person being afraid of repeating these feelings in the future," says Chernikova.

4. Low self-esteem. People who lack self-confidence often do not believe in their attractiveness and value as a partner, which leads to avoidance of close relationships.

"A person with low self-esteem may doubt their attractiveness and value as a partner. They feel like they are not good enough to deserve another person's love and support," Chernikova explains.

5. Social and cultural attitudes. Stereotypes about marriage that exist in society and culture can cause reluctance or resistance in people when making the decision to start a family.

"Social and cultural attitudes can influence the perception of family life. In some cultures or families, marriage may be viewed as an obligation associated with certain traditions and roles, which may cause resistance in a person who does not agree with these attitudes," explains Chernikova.

6. Fear of change. The changes associated with starting a family can create a fear of the unknown and potential difficulties.

"Starting a family entails many changes in life, and not everyone is ready for these changes. People may be afraid of the unknown and possible difficulties associated with a new stage of life," says the psychologist.

7. Financial instability: The prospect of an unstable financial future often becomes a stumbling block for a marriage, especially when the economic situation is seesaw..

"Financial instability can also prevent people from starting a family. Concern that they will not be able to provide a stable financial future for themselves and their future children often becomes a reason for postponing marriage," Chernikova notes.

Chernikova adds that support from loved ones, self-reflection and professional help can help overcome these fears and doubts.

The Influence of Parental Models on the Decision to Start a Family

Parental behavior models have a significant impact on a person’s decisions to start a family and how they build their relationships. Zhanna Semagina, a full member of the St. Petersburg and Russian Psychological Societies, explains:

"If a negative scenario has formed in the family (for example, frequent shouting and quarrels, manipulation, or the husband and wife do not talk to each other for a week or two after a quarrel), the child may develop a negative attitude or unconscious resistance to creating a family. Or in a family with a dominant, authoritarian or overprotective mother and a weak-willed father, the boy may not marry for a long time."

As Marina Chernikova, a psychologist and director of the ANO "Culture of Health", explains, the influence of a parent's behavior model can manifest itself through its direct repetition or through an attempt to act in the opposite way.

Direct repetition. People often unconsciously repeat their parents' behavior models, even if they believe that their values ​​and goals are different.

"Attitudes instilled in childhood can become deeply rooted in our consciousness and continue to influence our choice of partner and relationship style," notes Chernikova. "For example, if a mother instilled in her daughter that 'men cannot be trusted,' the daughter may choose a partner who confirms these attitudes."

Contrasting: Sometimes a person decides to go against the parental model, but unconscious attitudes can continue to influence his actions.

“A person can try their best to build relationships differently, but the parental model of behavior will still be present in his subconscious and influence his actions,” explains Chernikova.

Victoria Kolesnikova, relationship psychologist and certified sexologist, also emphasizes the importance of recognizing and working with parental models:

"Every person accepts a role model of relationships that he saw in childhood. First, you need to understand what this model is, what you like and what you don't like about it. Find out your partner's relationship model, and then create your own personal model, taking into account the wishes of both partners."

Working through parental patterns and becoming aware of undesirable attitudes can help create healthy relationships.

How to Reduce Anxiety Around Money?

Attitudes toward money are formed at an early age and are often set in the family. Financial coaching and psychotherapy can help identify and work through negative attitudes around money and learn to manage finances more effectively. Chernikova explains:

"Families may have unconscious attitudes that earning big money is bad, that big incomes spoil a person, or that big money can only be dishonest. Such attitudes can lead to a person unconsciously making wrong financial decisions, hindering their financial success."

Financial literacy plays a key role in reducing anxiety associated with unexpected events and in managing money effectively.

“Even a small income, if managed properly, can provide for a family and allow savings,” adds Chernikova.

Victoria Kolesnikova also offers practical advice:

"To reduce anxiety about finances, couples are encouraged to plan a budget together, discuss financial goals and strategies, and find solutions together. Remember: YOU ARE A TEAM!"

How to deal with self-doubt on the way to creating a family?

Chernikova advises not to delay the decision to create a family, since with age our psyche becomes less flexible, and any changes are perceived more difficultly. It is important not to drown in doubts and excessive thoughts, but to act decisively when you are in love and ready to build a relationship.

If a couple is in love and they really want to build a relationship, then it is important to go into this relationship, because excessive reflection is harmful. We start thinking too long, it seems to us that now is not the best time, and when working with my clients, I sometimes encounter a situation when a person comes 45+, and suddenly discovers that the best time to have children has not yet arrived," the psychologist advises.

Zhanna Semagina advises not to fight doubts, but to use them to your advantage. The only way to deal with them is to try and act.

"One of my teachers used to say: 'minus is half a plus'. So it's better to take a pen and paper and write down your 'confidences' in one column and your doubts in another. And then think about how to turn your doubt into your superpower. There is no other way, in my opinion, than to try and do."

Victoria Kolesnikova agrees:

"To overcome fears, I recommend writing them down on paper and thinking about what you can do to prevent this from happening, and how to act if it does happen. Very often, fears are a figment of our brain or someone else's negative experience that has been stored in our memory. Try this exercise - everything is simpler than it seems!"

She added that if the difficulties do not go away after independent work, it is better to seek help from a specialist, because the causes of fears may be deeper than they seem at first glance.

Recognizing and working through psychological obstacles, support from loved ones and help from professionals can help overcome fears and doubts. It is important not to be afraid to act, to use doubts as motivation for personal growth and to build your relationships on mutual understanding and trust.