Why do children throw tantrums and how to deal with them? Advice from psych

Children's tantrums are a challenge for every parent. Emotional outbursts can be sudden and intense, leaving parents feeling confused and helpless. To help parents cope with such situations, we turned to experts. Vera Ryshkova, a psychologist, peer consultant at the motherhood support center, and Nara Sovkova, a neurokinesiologist, neuropsychologist, neurospeech therapist, health coach, expert in non-drug health improvement and neurohacking, research scientist, author of a unique patented method of working with metabolism and the brain through the body NEURO-Trampoline®, which helps children with brain and nervous system disorders, answered the most pressing questions and gave useful advice.

Why do children throw tantrums?

Children's tantrums are not just whims. They often hide needs and emotions that the child cannot yet express in words. Psychologist Vera Ryshkova explains: "Often, there is a certain need behind a tantrum that the child cannot express correctly due to his or her age." Neurokinesiologist Nara Sovkova adds: "Children have tantrums when the nervous system is at the peak of arousal. Due to their age, the child is not yet able to cope with this on their own." Thus, a tantrum is a signal that the child needs attention and help.

Main reasons for children's tantrums

Nara Sovkova identifies five main reasons why children throw tantrums:

1. Inability to express desires. The child cannot or does not know how to say what he wants, and cannot express his emotions and needs in a way that an adult will understand and help him.
2. Sensory system overload. An imbalance between wakefulness and rest leads to the child becoming overexcited and unable to calm down.
3. Physical discomfort and negative emotions. Unpleasant sensations from pain or discomfort, as well as new negative emotions such as anxiety, tension, fear or loneliness, can cause hysteria.
4. Lack of control and clear boundaries. The child feels insecure if there are no clear rules and a system of rewards and punishments. He does not understand uncertainty and reacts to it with hysterics.
5. Changes in life. Any significant changes, such as moving, the arrival of a new child in the family, divorce of parents or the loss of a loved one, can cause hysteria.

How to Respond to a Tantrum Correctly

Understanding the causes of tantrums can help parents respond to them more effectively. Here are some expert tips to help you deal with tantrums.

Stay calm. Reacting to a tantrum with a tantrum only makes the situation worse. Stay calm and confident, setting an example of correct behavior for your child. Vera Ryshkova recommends: “Don’t react to a tantrum with a tantrum. You are in an adult position here, don’t reinforce this situation emotionally.”

Help understand emotions. Help your child realize their feelings. Say: “I see that you are very upset. Let’s try to understand together why this happened.” This will help your child learn to manage their emotions.

Establish physical contact. During a tantrum, try to establish physical contact: take your child by the hand, sit him on your lap, hug him. If he pushes you away, just get down to his level and show that you are there.

Reward positive behavior. Avoid strong emotional reactions to tantrums. If your child understands that a tantrum gets your attention, he or she will use it again. Be attentive and reward positive behavior.

How to predict and prevent tantrums?

Nara Sovkova suggests the Three P system to reduce the manifestations of hysteria:

• Preceding circumstances. You need to remove or prevent what provokes the tantrum.
• Behavior. Teach your child to express their needs differently.
• Consequences and “rewards.” For example, don’t buy a toy to stop the tantrum. But you can buy it or negotiate an alternative if the child asks for it in an acceptable way.

What to do if the tantrum has already started?

If the tantrum has already happened, follow these recommendations:

• Take your child to a quiet, calm, and safe place. This will reduce the number of "spectators."
• Calm yourself down. You need to take control of the situation, and not act rashly.
• Redirect attention. Try to distract your child. For example, offer him a drink of water or show him something interesting. This can help redirect his attention to something calmer.
• Establish physical contact. Go to your child, take his hand, sit him on your lap, or hug him. If your child does not want physical contact, just get down to his level and show that you are there and ready to help.
• Help him understand emotions. Talk to your child about his feelings. Say: "I see that you are upset. Let's figure out together why this happened." For older children, the tactic of joining in with experiences works better: "I understand that it is hard for you now. I am sorry that this happened."
• Use sound resonance. Sometimes the sound resonance technique helps. Start humming quietly or making a long "ah" sound in time with your baby's cry. Gradually reduce the volume and intensity of your sound so that your baby begins to adjust to you and calm down.
• Water as a calming agent. Water can have a calming effect. Wash your baby, offer him a drink, or just turn on the water and let him listen to its noise. This can help the child calm down and switch to a more peaceful state.
• Talk after the tantrum. When the child calms down, discuss what happened with him. Explain that you are always ready to help him, but because of the screaming and tears, it is difficult for you to understand exactly what needs to be done. This will help the child understand how to better express his emotions in the future.

Mistakes Parents Make During Tantrums

Some actions parents take can only make the situation worse:

1. Give in to the child. Give him what he wants right away, just to calm him down. This will only reinforce the understanding that hysteria can achieve anything.
2. Forbid hysteria. Phrases like “Calm down!”, “Don’t yell,” “Stop right now” will not help. The child cannot stop hysteria on his own.
3. Threats. Promises to deprive him of something important or threaten to leave him alone can lead to sad consequences. The child will develop a fear of his needs and emotions.
4. Show confusion. When a child sees that an adult does not know what to do, he loses a sense of security.
5. Blame and scold after hysteria. The child must learn to accept his emotions and cope with them, and not avoid them. But do not pretend that nothing happened, if you do not want such behavior to become a habit.

If a child's tantrums happen frequently, are accompanied by aggressive behavior, or occur without any apparent reason, it is worth contacting a child psychologist. You should be especially careful if the cause of the tantrums is a serious traumatic life situation.

A child's tantrum is a form of communication, a way to "get through" to a parent. The adult's task is to teach the child to cope with their emotions and communicate their needs in other ways.